i'm 95% disappearing from the black hole called the internet. i've been living in a lifetime tv for women type trip, 2 people living 1 life for over a year now, and i'm so over it. some sad loser asshole child with issues and more than all the time in the world to spend on pretending to be someone else that prolly has a complete hard drive of photos dedicated to me, has not got the best of me, but i'm just so tired. i don't have the time or energy to compete for my internet persona. and lord knows i'm too busy to check into .COM accounts all day long, i'm living my own real deal life other than trying to fester like a tumor on someone elses for cheap thrills. and i'm damn happy with my life, so sorry yours is such a bottomless shit hole, i hope you find help. and its only going to get shittier, because i have my computer to the cops, and identity theft, hacking, and tampering with bills/mail is a federal offense and punishable with jail time, just incase everyone was wondering.
more than hating this person for what they've done to me/put me through and how maliciously they tried to ruin/take over my life, i feel sorry for them. and also in a way thank them, for making me more of a psychotic angry paranoid raging bitch who will not let a damn thing stop me or get me down, that is the worst fucking combo to ever cross your path.
may God be with you.


but its allll good, cos im happy.
its not the end, it never is.
:)


i hope everyone has a wonderful easter, even jew martine.

i got my roll bounce on

uggghhh i just got back from mammoth for 4 days, spent completly unsober and completely ballz deep in snow. horrible cell service and retardedness led to us not being able to meet up with anyone.
ryan and i left saturday after work at 7, and so it began. smoked madddd bowls and time flew by with the randomest playlist alive, my partner in crime passed out hard after an hour so it was me and scotty for 4 hours. got to mammoth 1145 and passssed the fuck out.
woke up kinda late due to my bedroom window being under snow. it started snowing like an hour after we arrived so it snowed all morning and all fucking day long. it was pretty fuckin bitchen. ryan and i scouted out some spots, smoked mad bowls and got lost in the wilderness, for real. we made a siqqqq ass kicker, so dope, and found a valley that we back country boarded our way into someones backyard. trecked so hard in the snow, thighs and ass of steal now. legit shit brohym. went into town, fucked around, the solid video store is gone now, but there was a petting zoo set up and i got a candy apple that made up for it. had dinner with the fam, his grandma is a fuckin trip and a half, consistantly happy drunk old lady talking of the good ol days in the cabin. watched flickz and hit the sac.
monday was the most perfect day ever to board. i woke ryan up early, made banana pancakes for everyone and booked it to the mountain at 8. completely fresh ungroomed/untracked snow just waiting. it was sunny and warm, with the freshest of the fresh, what more could i ask for, i was so stoked, and in the best frame of mind in my life. we covered the whole montain by the end of the day, did some clif jumping and shreded so hard, man. had round 4 sesh around 3 and just layed in the snow at the mountain for a bit, so at peace. came back, grubbed and watched more videos, this is due to the fact the tv channels weren't working... but employee of the month is my new fav movie.
today, wake and bake up early as fuck, contemplated paying 25 more bux for day 2, but decided to treck around again and hit up side hills and back country. i found a log half covered by snow that i got stoked on and tail tapped praying not to fuck up my base. got a semi sick photo of it, but ryan mctoohigherson couldn't figure out the damn camera. shredded for a bit and drove up to the mountain to chill for a bit, hoping to see danny working, relaxed, and drove home. best drive round 2, and my wing man got too fucked to co fly with me so i was lone ranger again. got home, took the best bubble bath ever and now im going to hang out with c-lo.

i had the best time with ryan, he was a lot of fun, we spent 89% of the time laughing so hard we were crying. we had such a good time, i feel closer to him, more than just someone i work with.
siqqest fucking trip.

im so so happy, in every aspect, even when im bummed.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: amazinng
Current Music: sean price

january 25, 2007 2:45am 3 pounds 12 ounces, chloe isabella schrader was born into the world.

the baby and my step mom were in distress so an emergancy c section was done. i got a call at 6am of the happenings, apparently my dad came in my room before he left that morning, but i had no recolection. got dressed and went to the hospital where i first went to see my step mom and lay on the hospital bed with her to comfort her. she was so medicated , but doing well, so i was happy. she had to talk to me though, she wanted to tell me she had a whole speech made but forgot it all, she wanted me to know it meant the world to her that i wanted to be invovled in the babys life and thought of what to name her. and wanted to let me know the name that i chose, chloe isabella schrader was my sisters name. i started crying so hard, it meant so much to me that they did that and they handed me a bracelet with a heart charm with mine and her name on it for me, i've only taken it off to snowboard. then i walked into this room where i had to scrub for 3 minutes with cold water and pat dry. it was the 3rd row of incubaters. there she was. i didn't kn ow how i'd react, i had no idea how i'd feel. but as soon as i saw her little face, i burst out into tears. she was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen, i've never felt that feeling in my entire life. 5 fingers, 5 toes, all there, she was just small, she looks like my sister, i could see me in her, it was the strangest thing. the doctor asked if i wanted to touch her because she couldn't be held yet, no ones held her yet or touched her other than the doctors at this point. at this point chloe is getting worked up and starting to fuss a bit, but as soon as i put my hand in the incubater, she hushes and calms and my dad says 'well look at that', i start talking to her, and tears run down my face, i was so overcome by emotions i didnt know what to do. my dad started crying. he asked about when the eyes would open and they said not for another 2 days, about 3 minutes after that, as she was streching, she opened an eye, and looked straight at me. i was the first person she saw in this world and first person to touch her. i gave my dad a chance to touch her and talk to her, it was so weird to watch him, its like hed done it before but was so unsure on how to do it again. his hand took up almost all of her body. she's doing really well though the next 48 hours are the make it or break it, but shes breathing on her own, we're trying to get her to learn to eat/suck and in 2 weeks we sould be able to take her home. im so excited and so hopeful. shes my sister, shes a fucking fighter.

yesterday i was so overcome with emotions that i never felt before, it was the weirdest shit to me, i'm now a big sister to the most beautiful baby in the world.